When it came to the bit I knew I couldn't post the finished blog online. I'd surprised myself by how dark my thoughts were. Writing it had helped, sharing it with the world might not.
Long story short, this was rock bottom. Again.
You'd think by now I'd know the signs and be able to do something to help myself. In those situations though, helping yourself is the last thing you want to do.
Shutting down, going into hiding, ignoring life. It's very easy to do when you just don't care about anything at all.
It's been 11 and a half years since I took an overdose and entered this weird rollercoaster of 'life'. It's not much of a life right now, but I'm breathing so I suppose that's a start.
Pretending to be a functioning adult has become all too easy for me over the last decade. Every so often there's a rough patch, then there are the ones that derail me completely. May 2014 - I abandoned London and returned to Ireland. Defeated again.
I wish I could really explain it clearly. I wish I understood it. It's been almost five weeks since I couldn't pretend to be OK anymore - not even online where it's always been easy to distract myself and talk about EastEnders or X Factor. Instead I closed down Twitter and let myself completely lose touch with everyone and everything going on. After a few days you get used to not leaving the room you make your prison cell. It's the safest place on earth. If I know I don't want to hurt myself, no one and nothing else can. The buzz of a new email arriving in my inbox? Ignore it. The phone battery will die soon enough and I'll be free of that noise. All those free hours to just listen to that voice in your head.
I left the house only to attend psychology. Missing one session prompted a phonecall and an awkward speakerphone monologue from my psychologist who persevered until I found the ability to say a couple of words. But she cared enough to do that. She didn't give up. That was the first time someone outside of family has pushed me in those darkest moments. Except this time, unlike being able to fight off the love and support from my parents, I couldn't leave someone I've only known a couple of months fearing for my life. Is that what I'd become? Was I now a risk to myself, to others even? That frightened me a lot.
Psychology has been a difficult, draining, terrifying and wonderful experience. I'm not really sure how I slipped through some mental health net and got left to my own devices for the best part of a decade, but finally, things began happening and the process started. Digging into memories and dissecting experiences I'd locked away is something I' fought against doing for far too long.
I've no doubt that doing so and unleashing so many emotions after so long is what threw me into where I am right now. But I've come to realise that it is a necessary evil. It's now about learning how to recognise the darkness, to prepare for it, to fight it, to throw open the curtains and to not give up even the 10% of 'life' I've been living for the last decade. It's funny how much you can learn to value even the smallest bit of your existence.
This current experience isn't over. I've just promised myself that I'd do something to help myself - and that has always been writing. Tonight was the first time I've found the drive to look at the screen long enough to string a sentence together.
An overshare? Maybe. But I want to be able to come back to this. Even when I've recharged to that 10%, I want to know I can read this and remember the very worst moments. Maybe this will be the last rock bottom, the final 'things get worse before they get better' moment.
I'm honestly not really sure how to finish this to be honest. A few attempts haven't read back well. I'm not dying and I'm not planning to die anytime soon (touch wood). I know there are people worse off. There are also plenty living within the darkness and doing a much better job of making the most of their lives. Knowing that is part of the process of getting up in the morning, of appreciating what you've got and striving to achieve more - no matter what obstacles lie in the way.